A Leep of Faith

A couple of weeks back I had a colposcopy and now I have to have a leep. I had one in 2008 for which I had to be an outpatient in the hospital and also be put under. And pay off a $1000 copay over the next couple of years (fuck you, insurance industry). I made sure to pay it off as slowly as possible as a protest, not just because I was making $26,000 yearly at the time (yay nonprofit theatre).

Luckily, they’ve advanced since then and I don’t need the hospital or to be put under. I had to go in for a “leep chat” with the doctor who performed the colposcopy and I laughed inside when she went over, very seriously, the complications that can come about from a leep if you ever get pregnant afterwards.

I listened, nodded, said I understood, biting my tongue from yelling, “doctor, I told you I didn’t want kids, why don’t you listen?” and then my ears perked up when she said that there’s a chance that my cervix could heal, in later years, and “close up” making it difficult to insert an IUD.

Well, that stinks.

After she was done, I reminded her (because she probably just forgot) that I’m 30. don’t want, and have never wanted, kids, so any complications from pregnancy and not of any concern to me. There literally could not be a more ideal patient for her to be telling all of this to. I asked her if it made it harder to get pregnant. Sadly, it doesn’t. Damn. Then I asked her about getting an IUD inserted and she said it should be fine to get 4-6 weeks after the leep if all of the tests check out.

I’m thinking I should get a new doctor after the procedure. One that will actually listen when I talk. Because it’s really frustrating when one doesn’t.

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At What Age

Speaking of not wanting kids, I went to the OBGYN for a colposcopy recently and I looked up during the extremely quick procedure and said to the doctor, “You can remove my entire cervix. I won’t need it for anything.” She replied, “Oh, I’m sure one day you might!”

I wanted to tell her that I’m 30, far from a child, and that I can make my own decisions, blah blah blah. But I did not. I just said, “Nope, no kids here” and laid back down.

Now that I’m 30, I’m wondering how many more years I have to endure people, my age and elders, as well as doctors, telling me I’ll change my mind someday. I’ve come to the place where I either smile and nod at people or tell them they’re out of their fucking minds, which usually shuts them right up.  

But I’m wondering at what age do you stop getting told that you’re silly and your uterus will turn on and you’ll want kids eventually? I mean, when does the biological clock supposedly stop ticking? 30? 35? 

As a woman, at what age is it acceptable to be like, “No, I actually don’t want kids and yes, I’m sure.” When do you finally earn the right to say you’re sure about your own feelings about something as possibly-life-ruining as bearing a child? Yes, you can change your feelings, but you can also change your feelings about who you marry and what house you buy and what color your dye your hair. But no one questions those decisions. 

I’m guessing it’s something that will eventually change from “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday” to “Oh, do you regret not having kids?” To which I will respond in the same blunt manner, “No, but do you regret having yours?”