New Rule: You don’t need to say you “want to thank.” Just thank.
New Rule: If you’re going to hold the Emmys in August, the participants get to wear cut-offs and flip-flops. It’s so hot this year, the white powder being used in the restrooms is talcum.
New Rule: Please spare me the 40-minute dissertation on how fabulous “Glee” is. It’s 2010. You can just come right out and say you’re gay.
New Rule: If by some remote chance God does exist, he must smite anyone who thanks him at the Emmys. Seriously, you’ve just impressed a bunch of atheists, Jews, drug addicts and homosexuals, and they like you enough to have given you a golden idol. God doesn’t want your thanks — he wants an apology.
New Rule: Don’t have the Old Spice guy parade shirtless across the stage at the Emmys. I know it seems very “now.” But in two years people will look back and think, “That’s the worst Alvin Ailey performance I’ve ever seen.”
New Rule: You don’t need to stand outside the Emmys with a sign I can see from my car that says “God Hates You.” I’m wearing a tuxedo in the afternoon, it’s 100 degrees, and I’m about to spend three hours at an awards show. I know God hates me.
New Rule: Emmy hosts can’t make jokes about how long the show is. It just makes the show longer.
New Rule: Save your applause for the end of the dead-people package. No matter how much you think you love the dead people at the beginning, you’re going to love the dead people at the end even more.
New Rule: Stop saying, “It’s an honor just to be nominated.” That’s only true the first 23 times. After that, it starts to feel more like hazing.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as an “outstanding reality competition program.
Bill Maher has been nominated for 26 Emmys, including four this year for his HBO late-night series “Real Time With Bill Maher” and his stand-up special, “Bill Maher … But I’m Not Wrong.”