Subtle Shifts in 42 Days

After reading Gabrielle Bernstein’s first two books, I ordered her latest, May Cause Miracles. I finished the 42nd day this morning and I’m in love with her way of thinking.

I know there’s a chance it could be a load of bullshit, but it’s helping me in small ways: I’m not feeding into people’s anger, or stress, and I’m learning forgiveness (of myself and others). And I’m not hurting anyone else, so who cares?

It’s been rather pleasant to wake up, read that day’s morning chapter, set my affirmation on my phone, then meditate. I’ve been feeling really serene after my morning meditations recently and it’s nice. I wish I could convince everyone I know to meditate, but there will always be skeptics or people who are just too stubborn to stop themselves for 10 minutes a day to slow down and just breathe.

Earlier this week a guy I’d once dated told me he was dating someone knew. I almost switched into victim-mode with “why is everyone in a relationship but me?!” but I witnessed this bullshit, emailed a friend who confirmed that it was bullshit, and then picked up May Cause Miracles before going to sleep. Noticing my bullshit coming up was huge for me. 

Her teachings are very similar to Eckhart Tolle’s because they both urge disassociation from the ego. I recently had a conversation with a friend who thinks that that the ego is your sense of self-esteem. This, in my opinion (and many others’ opinions), is false. A friend explained it to me like this: Your self esteem is your self worth, and your ego is all the labels that you can use to identify yourself and project onto the outside world. I think of the ego also as the way you use external affirmations to derive your self-worth (which of course is bullshit because happiness comes from within). 

The aforementioned friend thinks that not having an ego means not having an identity and he is skeptical of anyone who is anti-ego. What do you guys think?

Gabrielle Bernstein is giving a lecture at the end of July at NYU. My ticket is purchased and I’ve even convinced one of my good, semi-cynical guy friends (who is currently reading Spirit Junkie!) to come with me. 

So, ego vs. self esteem? Is there a difference?

Choose love.

One of my girlfriends suggested I get into Gabrielle Bernstein a while ago and last week I read her book, Spirit Junkie, and loved every second of it. Yeah, yeah, it’s all about creating the life of your dreams and basically motivational speaker (as that’s what she now does!) but I guess I related to her because a lot of her story takes place when she’s my age (I don’t think she’s too much older now though).

She also has free podcasts to download on iTunes. I’ve downloaded them all and use them first thing in the morning now (to start my day off with positive intentions) and at night (to release anything that may have happened during the day).

I could go on and on but I might sound crazy. I just really enjoy her and her non-religious spirituality. It’s inspiring, and hopeful.

I just ordered her first book, “Add More -Ing,” online and until that arrives, I’m going to enjoy some chick lit with Laura Dave’s novel, “The First Husband.”

I was resolute in trying to read more this year (because I fell off the literary bandwagon in a major way last year) and so far it is going well. 

A terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (sort of).

staying conscious.

I was in the worst of moods ever yesterday. Like, ever. I promise you.

I woke up yesterday, slightly tired and a little bit hazy from the cheap  vodka I’d had a bit of the night before at the worst bar ever, but ready to tackle the day. First up was one of my favorite ass-kicking yoga classes with one of my favorite teachers. It was great until she told us to kick up into a headstand. I was wobbly and couldn’t do it on my own. And my mat was sliding around. It seemed everything was going wrong and my world was collapsing in on me (drama queen moment).

I realized after class that I still had yet to hear from the guy I was seeing that night about what exactly we were doing. He called me and told me he liked my snarky text that I’d sent the previous day. From the first words out of my mouth, he could tell that I was not a happy camper. He kept repeating that he just wanted to spend time with me and he didn’t care what we did. So I suggested that we go down to the Sunshine Theater and see A Place at the Table. He said sure, sounds good, and let’s get dinner before. Because I was impatient, I picked the place for dinner again because he didn’t have any ideas (because, again, he said he didn’t really care, he just wanted to see me).

My bad mood persisted all day. I went to meet him at 8 and he texted me saying he’d be ten minutes late. I’m a punctuality freak, so this bugs the shit out of me. I said no problem, but when he ended up being 30 minutes late, I was even more annoyed. When he arrived, he was nice and as flattering as ever, but nothing could shake me. He asked how my week had been and told me how glad he was to see me. When I told him I was stressed, he asked if he could do anything to help. I said no. (And honestly, the only thing that would’ve made me feel better was to go home.) By the time the movie was over, my bad mood had refused to go away, so I sent myself home. 

I felt awful because I did want to spend more time with him, but not then. I was conscious that I was in a shitty mood and I knew that I needed to go home. I texted him when I got home, apologizing and tell him my foul mood wasn’t (entirely) his fault (his being bad at making plans and lateness just exacerbated it) and to please call me the next day.

I slept for ten hours and when I started to become conscious, I knew I didn’t want to be in a crappy mood again so I downloaded a few morning meditation MP3’s from Gabrielle Bernstein and spent about 10 minutes putting a positive start on my day. Then I ran 5k and went to The Strand. He called while I was at The Strand and he asked how I was feeling. I said better and apologized again for my behavior the night before. He said it was okay and asked when I was free this week. 

I’m going to try to start meditating every morning, even if it’s only for 6 minutes, to put a positive spin on the start of my day. It helped today so it could help every day. I’m also looking forward to see the guy this Friday. I want to try to have a stress-free date with him, with no pressure regarding whatever we’re doing, and just go with the flow.

That’s really, really hard for me.