“Some people just suck.”

I have this really bad habit of holding things that guys have done to me in the past (wah – victim alert!) against new guys I meet in the future. I don’t go around boasting, “men are awful, horrible people. all of them,” because a lot of my really close friends are guys and because it’s just not true. But I also forget that some people just suck.

I went on two dates last week with a guy who was really sweet and we really started clicking at the end of our second date last Sunday. He asked if I wanted to go to trivia night at a bar near my apartment (he also used to live in my neighborhood) and I said yes, and it was planned.

He texted me on Tuesday to say that he was really stressed out at work and would sadly have to cancel but could he take a rain check. Also being slammed at work, I said yes, of course, that’s fine. My week flew by and before I knew it, it was Friday night and I sent him a quick text saying that I hoped his week was winding down.

That was Friday night and I never heard back from him. Maybe it’s because this was a person that I only knew for a week-ish, but I’m not really bothered this time. Because, as one of my good guy friends reminded me last night, some people just suck and you can’t hold that against every one else. 

Damnit.

I was on the C train uptown tonight headed home after dinner with my best friend. A guy gets on at 72nd street and sits next to me with a huge stack of fashion magazines. He quickly looks at me and says, “These aren’t for me. My sisters cuts up magazines and when I saw these, I called her and she told me to take a few.” I responded accordingly (“ahhh.”) and then he looked at my jacket and pants, both of which were pink, and said, “You’re very pink today…. my favorite color is usually purple.” I told him that was my next favorite and he said, “What, after green?” With a huge I’m-Such-A-Witty-Nerd grin on his face.

I laughed and he asked if I lived in Harlem too, I said no and he said he lived by Columbia. I of course asked if he’d been to JOE on 120th and he said, “Nope, I’ve never been. Do you want to take me there? I’d like that.” He was totally not-creepy but still, I just smiled and thirty seconds later the train stopped at my stop.

I’ve never had an actual normal, sort-of-cute-in-that-nerdy-kind-of-way strike up a conversation with me on the train and it was kind of nice. I feel bad that I didn’t at least give him some kind of clue of how to find me, you know, Serendipity style.

Nice to know that nice (and seemingly normal) guys are still out there. 

Sometimes there’s a moment when you’re at a friend’s party and you see someone across a room who you might recognize but you don’t know from where. You exchange glances until one of you (him) breaks the silence and comes over to say hello. You talk for hours and when you decide to leave the party and there’s no paper to be found, he writes his number on your arm and, with pleading eyes, says you really have to call or text him. You both know that you have to see each other again.

And you do text him, the very next morning because why play games? He says he’s waiting for the bus and going back DC, where he lives. You text and talk daily for the next weeks and you somehow gather the courage to ask him to be your date to your girlfriend’s wedding, since he’d planned to come up the next day to hang out anyway. To your absolute shock he accepts, excitedly even.

He’s a wicked dancer and super personable. You’re totally impressed. You spend the weekend together, talking and getting to know one another. You eat pizza, drink wine, stroll through Central Park, watch an awful movie on Netflix.

Before he leaves he thanks you for a brilliant weekend, and for showing him a part of New York that he’d never seen before that he quite liked. As you watch him drive away, you smile and think how nice it was to get to know a new person and you admit that you might not see him again for a while. But you definitely enjoyed the escape from reality for the weekend.

I’m sorry, but no.

I had three awesome dates in a week and a half with a guy. He was great. He was so happy and enthusiastic, all of the time. I loved it. He was adorable, and smart, too. Then he went away to play in a music festival in Massachusetts for three weeks. We hung out as soon as he arrived back in Brooklyn.

He spent the last two weeks being a “funk” and today when I told him, “Peace out, buddy,” he got upset. He apologized for having been a hermit for the last two weeks and that I did nothing wrong. He said he’d realized that he should probably be dating a fellow musician (musicians dating each other always works out, right?) but that he really, really wanted to stay friends.

He said he was trying really hard to be honest, and spent the last couple of weeks super depressed trying to figure out how best not to hurt my feelings. Sorry, dude. The best thing to do would’ve been to tell me as soon as you started avoiding hanging out with me that you just wanted to be friends. Not two weeks later.

The last guy I dated also wanted a medal when he finally admitted that he didn’t think we had much of a connection – four weeks after our last date.

I’m sorry, but no. 

Two Points For Honesty

Yesterday I did something for the first time and it was easy and felt great. I told a guy that I didn’t think a second date was a good idea because I didn’t feel much of a connection. He said, “okay, that’s fair,” and that was it. I didn’t have to make up any lame excuses. It was awesome.

A few months back I was seeing a guy who I thought was awesome. We had tons in common and I thought we clicked. Well he actually wasn’t so awesome because he didn’t have the balls to tell me that he didn’t feel a spark until three (3!) weeks after our seventh (7!) date in a month.

We had gone to see Guster together so he ended things with “two points for honesty?” I didn’t reply. And I defriended him on facebook.

As I just learned, it’s not incredibly difficult to be honest and that honesty doesn’t usually take weeks to come by.

the best guy ever

So the last person I’d started chatting with before I closed my OKCupid account was this dude. He’s a biochemist at New York Presbyterian and very cute. He was older and seemed sweet, but a little awkward. Then we texted too much, and I put off meeting him for too long (a couple of weeks). We finally spoke on the phone one night during which he ended up admitting that he does his best programming when he’s in a relationship because that’s when he’s happiest. Oh, and also that when he doesn’t have a girlfriend he’s constantly on the look out for one.

As awesome as a super codependent boyfriend sounds, I’ll pass. I told him a few days later that I didn’t think we should meet. He apparently thought I was joking though because a week (or so) went by with no communication and then he texted me out of the blue to tell me he was in some fly-over state for work. I had deleted his number (and texts) so I had no idea who it was. When I finally guessed correctly, he said he’d thought I’d been kidding when I said I didn’t want to meet and that I couldn’t possibly be that callous.  

I didn’t tell him that he seemed like an obvious codependent head case and that was why I didn’t want to meet him. I didn’t feel the need to pass judgment on him, and it wouldn’t help him anyways. Because really, who likes being told what their issues are? You need to sort that shit out yourself.

I just laughed when I got this last text from him though. I’m sure he is one of the best guys ever. That’s totally why he’s single. He’s too awesome.

Bullet: dodged. 

Bringing Out the Worst

I know people always say their significant other brings out the best in them and that’s great! But I didn’t know it was actual a thing to date someone who brought out the worst in you – or me, rather.

Remember the guy who liked to talk on the phone and who I had a semi-awful date with last week? He had all the best of intentions and was a genuinely sweet person, but he brought out the absolute worst in me. We had four or five dates and half of them started with him being unable to make plans, showing up late, and/or doing nothing but fighting with me.

This was how our final date went on Sunday. After the awful date last Saturday (which was in part due to the fact that I was in an awful mood, I get it), I took the initiative to make plans for Friday since I knew he was mostly unable to make plans in any timely manner. We were going to have a low key date, order in dinner, and hang at his place in Brooklyn. And I was kind of looking forward to it too.

I texted him on Thursday and asked what time I should show up in Brooklyn. He called and said he unexpectedly had some friends come into town but that he’d still love to get dinner and that he’d pick the place and plan everything. Awesome, I thought. When he called the next day and said he couldn’t find a suitable restaurant to go to in manhattan but that all his favorites were in Park Slope and his friends might be leaving that night anyway. So I should come out to Brooklyn. This was at 8:30pm. Nope. I said lets get dinner but I’d made plans for Saturday morning with my friend that was staying with me. He said he’d come uptown. I told him a place and he said it’d take too long to get that far uptown and he wasn’t even hungry and wasn’t planning in eating anyway. So he’d just sit with me while I ate.

Uh, no.

For some reason we rescheduled for Sunday in his ‘hood for brunch. He picked the place and he texted me at 12:15am on Saturday night but I was already asleep so I responded to him on Sunday and he told me where the place and I went to meet him. One o’clock rolled around and I exited the F train and called him. He said he still hadnt showered but to come to his place and I could hang out while he got ready.

No, no, no. We’d decided on 1pm-ish and I was famished and exhausted. He quickly dressed and met me. I almost walked away before we got to the restaurant because he was being blatantly disagreeable with me but he begged me to have brunch. We walked to the place, put our names on the list, and walked up 5th avenue. I bought an adorable ring for $2.75 at Housing Works and we explored a bunch of other cute stores.

We were called back and seated at the restaurant and had brunch. We talked the entire time about how we had nothing in common (but, he pointed out, we were both human beings – well if that’s all it takes, let me just date everyone!), he hated how his food came out after he’d put in a very specific order, and then the rest of the time we quietly argued about our blatantly obvious differences.

When I said afterward that I didn’t see this going anywhere and that I thought it’d be best if I went home he was livid. I’d been expressing the entire afternoon how I didn’t think we were compatible but he just pressed on.

I had to cut it off though. I left, feeling badly if I’d hurt him, but mostly relieved because it was frustrating being around him. It felt like babysitting. I’d told him I’d dated guys like him before to which he responded, and I quote, “Uh no, I can tell you for sure that you’ve never dated anyone like me!

Well, okay

And I decided I wanted to keep it that way too. 

A terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (sort of).

staying conscious.

I was in the worst of moods ever yesterday. Like, ever. I promise you.

I woke up yesterday, slightly tired and a little bit hazy from the cheap  vodka I’d had a bit of the night before at the worst bar ever, but ready to tackle the day. First up was one of my favorite ass-kicking yoga classes with one of my favorite teachers. It was great until she told us to kick up into a headstand. I was wobbly and couldn’t do it on my own. And my mat was sliding around. It seemed everything was going wrong and my world was collapsing in on me (drama queen moment).

I realized after class that I still had yet to hear from the guy I was seeing that night about what exactly we were doing. He called me and told me he liked my snarky text that I’d sent the previous day. From the first words out of my mouth, he could tell that I was not a happy camper. He kept repeating that he just wanted to spend time with me and he didn’t care what we did. So I suggested that we go down to the Sunshine Theater and see A Place at the Table. He said sure, sounds good, and let’s get dinner before. Because I was impatient, I picked the place for dinner again because he didn’t have any ideas (because, again, he said he didn’t really care, he just wanted to see me).

My bad mood persisted all day. I went to meet him at 8 and he texted me saying he’d be ten minutes late. I’m a punctuality freak, so this bugs the shit out of me. I said no problem, but when he ended up being 30 minutes late, I was even more annoyed. When he arrived, he was nice and as flattering as ever, but nothing could shake me. He asked how my week had been and told me how glad he was to see me. When I told him I was stressed, he asked if he could do anything to help. I said no. (And honestly, the only thing that would’ve made me feel better was to go home.) By the time the movie was over, my bad mood had refused to go away, so I sent myself home. 

I felt awful because I did want to spend more time with him, but not then. I was conscious that I was in a shitty mood and I knew that I needed to go home. I texted him when I got home, apologizing and tell him my foul mood wasn’t (entirely) his fault (his being bad at making plans and lateness just exacerbated it) and to please call me the next day.

I slept for ten hours and when I started to become conscious, I knew I didn’t want to be in a crappy mood again so I downloaded a few morning meditation MP3’s from Gabrielle Bernstein and spent about 10 minutes putting a positive start on my day. Then I ran 5k and went to The Strand. He called while I was at The Strand and he asked how I was feeling. I said better and apologized again for my behavior the night before. He said it was okay and asked when I was free this week. 

I’m going to try to start meditating every morning, even if it’s only for 6 minutes, to put a positive spin on the start of my day. It helped today so it could help every day. I’m also looking forward to see the guy this Friday. I want to try to have a stress-free date with him, with no pressure regarding whatever we’re doing, and just go with the flow.

That’s really, really hard for me.