Goodbye to you.

By “you,” I mean the birth control pill that I’ve been on since 2007. I thought it was a good thing to do since states keep passing laws like these (it’d never happen in NY, but who knows.) I’ve always remembered to take it within an hour time frame every day but I really just got tired of having to remember to take it. Also my monkeymind also liked to occasionally have my pondering whether or not I’d indeed remembered to take my pill that morning (I always had but that didn’t stop my mind from racing). I never lost them and never had any bad side effects (that I know of). But after that study came out about depression, and I’d had a couple of mood swings here or there (most of the time when I’ve had too much to drink so that might be the culprit), I decided to find out more bout IUD. 

I’m a creature of habit so it was a big decision for me, but I decided to do it and I did it on Monday. It took longer than usual and my cervix had to be clamped down three times, which is probably the most painful part. So: yay. They almost made me come back another day after having taken medication they sometimes prescribe to relax the cervix. (Note to anyone who’s getting this done: GET THE MEDS.) Whose cervix is actually relaxed when it’s being held down in place by a steel clamp?! Who are these people?? Next time, I’m just getting my tubes tied because for that procedure at least they put you under and you don’t feel anything. 

I decided to get Mirena because I felt like it was a good compromise between the hormone-heavy pill and the no-hormones-at-all Paragard IUD (which is said to have godawful side effects). I felt nauseous when I first sat up after it was in place. and crampy, so I laid down for 20 minutes and drank some water. I went home and took it easy for the rest of the day and didn’t feel any pain or cramping after the first few hours, and barely any bleeding at all.

I went back today for my sonogram to make sure it was staying in place and, luckily, it is. I couldn’t handle the idea of having another one inserted. I asked if I could have a print out of the sonogram, you know, similar to when they give pregnant women photos of their fetuses? But I think the technician thought I was joking because she didn’t print one out for me. 

I’m pretty sure most of the pain wasn’t actually as bad as I expected, but I’d been expecting pain akin to child birth, so maybe I’m just a big baby. If you get one, take your Advil and relax into it because tensing your body up just makes it take longer (believe me, I know). 

I can’t describe how happy I am not to be bothered with the pill anymore and still be baby-free, and for 5 years! Excuse me, but I’m going to go celebrate now. If you’re considering getting an IUD, let me know if you have questions!

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A Leep of Faith

A couple of weeks back I had a colposcopy and now I have to have a leep. I had one in 2008 for which I had to be an outpatient in the hospital and also be put under. And pay off a $1000 copay over the next couple of years (fuck you, insurance industry). I made sure to pay it off as slowly as possible as a protest, not just because I was making $26,000 yearly at the time (yay nonprofit theatre).

Luckily, they’ve advanced since then and I don’t need the hospital or to be put under. I had to go in for a “leep chat” with the doctor who performed the colposcopy and I laughed inside when she went over, very seriously, the complications that can come about from a leep if you ever get pregnant afterwards.

I listened, nodded, said I understood, biting my tongue from yelling, “doctor, I told you I didn’t want kids, why don’t you listen?” and then my ears perked up when she said that there’s a chance that my cervix could heal, in later years, and “close up” making it difficult to insert an IUD.

Well, that stinks.

After she was done, I reminded her (because she probably just forgot) that I’m 30. don’t want, and have never wanted, kids, so any complications from pregnancy and not of any concern to me. There literally could not be a more ideal patient for her to be telling all of this to. I asked her if it made it harder to get pregnant. Sadly, it doesn’t. Damn. Then I asked her about getting an IUD inserted and she said it should be fine to get 4-6 weeks after the leep if all of the tests check out.

I’m thinking I should get a new doctor after the procedure. One that will actually listen when I talk. Because it’s really frustrating when one doesn’t.

At What Age

Speaking of not wanting kids, I went to the OBGYN for a colposcopy recently and I looked up during the extremely quick procedure and said to the doctor, “You can remove my entire cervix. I won’t need it for anything.” She replied, “Oh, I’m sure one day you might!”

I wanted to tell her that I’m 30, far from a child, and that I can make my own decisions, blah blah blah. But I did not. I just said, “Nope, no kids here” and laid back down.

Now that I’m 30, I’m wondering how many more years I have to endure people, my age and elders, as well as doctors, telling me I’ll change my mind someday. I’ve come to the place where I either smile and nod at people or tell them they’re out of their fucking minds, which usually shuts them right up.  

But I’m wondering at what age do you stop getting told that you’re silly and your uterus will turn on and you’ll want kids eventually? I mean, when does the biological clock supposedly stop ticking? 30? 35? 

As a woman, at what age is it acceptable to be like, “No, I actually don’t want kids and yes, I’m sure.” When do you finally earn the right to say you’re sure about your own feelings about something as possibly-life-ruining as bearing a child? Yes, you can change your feelings, but you can also change your feelings about who you marry and what house you buy and what color your dye your hair. But no one questions those decisions. 

I’m guessing it’s something that will eventually change from “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday” to “Oh, do you regret not having kids?” To which I will respond in the same blunt manner, “No, but do you regret having yours?”

Off-Topic Rant: IUDs

I am so getting an IUD as soon as I have full health coverage again (I currently have very minimal coverage).

For the first time since I switched from my shitty OBGYN on Long Island (those fuckers literally held me hostage every 3 months to come out for an exam for no reason) to an OBGYN/GP in the city, I am being given shit about refilling my birth control prescription. 

My GP says I need to come in for a pap smear every year if I want a refill and my OBGYN that I saw last March said that at my age, knowing that I’m on birth control, said it wasn’t necessary for me to get a pap smear every year, but only every 3 years. I told my GP my current insurance situation so they’re refilling for 3 or 6 months (I’m not totally sure which) until I am fully covered and can back in for another fucking appointment. He also said he “regrets my insurance situation and can reduce my fee in view of my loyalty throughout the years.” I’d like to tell him to stop being such a grumpy old man and get with the fucking times, but I didn’t. 

I emailed my OBGYN and told them my issues and they said I need to come in for a yearly physical. I told them I’d just had one and could send them the results. They’re refilling me for 3 months.

So between my GP and OBGYN, I have refills for the next 6 months. Ladies, tell me about your IUD experiences. I’m hopping on that train.