A terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (sort of).

staying conscious.

I was in the worst of moods ever yesterday. Like, ever. I promise you.

I woke up yesterday, slightly tired and a little bit hazy from the cheap  vodka I’d had a bit of the night before at the worst bar ever, but ready to tackle the day. First up was one of my favorite ass-kicking yoga classes with one of my favorite teachers. It was great until she told us to kick up into a headstand. I was wobbly and couldn’t do it on my own. And my mat was sliding around. It seemed everything was going wrong and my world was collapsing in on me (drama queen moment).

I realized after class that I still had yet to hear from the guy I was seeing that night about what exactly we were doing. He called me and told me he liked my snarky text that I’d sent the previous day. From the first words out of my mouth, he could tell that I was not a happy camper. He kept repeating that he just wanted to spend time with me and he didn’t care what we did. So I suggested that we go down to the Sunshine Theater and see A Place at the Table. He said sure, sounds good, and let’s get dinner before. Because I was impatient, I picked the place for dinner again because he didn’t have any ideas (because, again, he said he didn’t really care, he just wanted to see me).

My bad mood persisted all day. I went to meet him at 8 and he texted me saying he’d be ten minutes late. I’m a punctuality freak, so this bugs the shit out of me. I said no problem, but when he ended up being 30 minutes late, I was even more annoyed. When he arrived, he was nice and as flattering as ever, but nothing could shake me. He asked how my week had been and told me how glad he was to see me. When I told him I was stressed, he asked if he could do anything to help. I said no. (And honestly, the only thing that would’ve made me feel better was to go home.) By the time the movie was over, my bad mood had refused to go away, so I sent myself home. 

I felt awful because I did want to spend more time with him, but not then. I was conscious that I was in a shitty mood and I knew that I needed to go home. I texted him when I got home, apologizing and tell him my foul mood wasn’t (entirely) his fault (his being bad at making plans and lateness just exacerbated it) and to please call me the next day.

I slept for ten hours and when I started to become conscious, I knew I didn’t want to be in a crappy mood again so I downloaded a few morning meditation MP3’s from Gabrielle Bernstein and spent about 10 minutes putting a positive start on my day. Then I ran 5k and went to The Strand. He called while I was at The Strand and he asked how I was feeling. I said better and apologized again for my behavior the night before. He said it was okay and asked when I was free this week. 

I’m going to try to start meditating every morning, even if it’s only for 6 minutes, to put a positive spin on the start of my day. It helped today so it could help every day. I’m also looking forward to see the guy this Friday. I want to try to have a stress-free date with him, with no pressure regarding whatever we’re doing, and just go with the flow.

That’s really, really hard for me. 

I had two intense workouts last weekend.

On Saturday morning I went to my favorite 9am intermediate level vinyasa class with one of my favorite teachers. It was killer. She’s a killer. But I love it, and her. According to my Polar (above), I burned almost 500 calories. Whoa.

I woke up on Sunday with an ass that was so sore (from yoga the day before, perverts) that it was painful to sit. But with the weather being so lovely, I decided to run outside for the first time since right before the new year. I did a little over 5k and it was good. I was running way too fast – according to my time on the treadmill that I’ve been using, I’ve been running 11 minute miles (but treadmills suck, so screw it). I need to slow it down and see if I can run around the entire park once. I don’t want to do it and allow myself to stop – I feel like that’s cheating and not really running, stopping and going, that is.

Still being sore on Monday, I decided to skip my advanced yoga class and work late instead and tonight I decided to cook instead. Tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll make it back to my second-favorite yoga class. 

#yogistress

Yoga has been stressing me out a lot lately. Not the actual practice but GOING to yoga. And getting home after at 9:30, famished and irritated that it’s 9:30 and that I’m starving.

Then there’s also the fact that one of the classes I was going to as my “challenging” class is no longer challenging. I think, according to my heart rate monitor, I only burned 150 calories. I used to sweat my ass off in that class. Not so much anymore. And that’s great because it means I’m getting better, but frustrating because I have to switch up my class schedule to find harder classes to go to. I also kinda hate the teacher of this now too-easy class.

I’ve been going to yoga on Saturdays and Sundays a lot recently because two of my favorite teachers teach on the weekends. But I know I won’t always want to get up at 8 on the weekends.

I know, I know, it’s all so “first world problem,” but it’s been really frustrating me lately. Maybe I’ll switch to one yoga class during the week, two on the weekends, and running in the gym in my basement twice a week (or three?).

Sounds like a good compromise with myself.

The Ego & the Dance Class

I took dance classes through out most of grade school. Tap, ballet, and jazz. I liked ballet the most, but I was never that graceful (and I’m still not). And that’s fine. I can dance freestyle in a bar, so I thought I’d have l least some skills in a traditional dance class… because I was never that awful in grade school in my jazz classes. 

Last Monday, the company I work for paid for a theatre dance class for anyone who was interested in taking it. I thought it seemed fun and I signed up. I was discouraged when I’d forgotten my old ballet shoes, but I forged ahead in socks (I would’ve danced barefoot, but the floors seemed a bit splintery).

The warm up was just fine, but as soon as we started learning a quick two-minute routine to The Wiz’s “Ease on Down the Road” and everything went to shit.

Like, total, absolute shit. I had no idea that I was so uncoordinated. Yes, we were being taught the steps in a much quicker fashion than if this was a year-long class preparing for an end-of-the-year recital, but still: goddamn.

I almost walked out in the middle. I almost said screw it and went to my usual yoga class. But I didn’t. I stayed and embarrassed myself. Though I don’t know that anyone was watching because I know that I sure as hell was watching the best person in the group when we were split into two group, not the worst. 

I realized that I take myself way too seriously. I couldn’t just enjoy the (free) class and laugh at myself in this instance. This isn’t the worst thing in the world because I often make jokes at my own expense, but I just felt like a jackass because I had higher expectations, I suppose.

If I really wanted to, I could blame it on not wearing the proper shoes. That very well could’ve been it. Or it’s just the fact that I can’t dance anymore! Ten years out of the saddle might do that to someone.

That said: I’m not taking another dance class, ever. I’ll stick to yoga, thankyouverymuch.

Sunday Afternoon Purchase

I bought a Sweaty Band last year and loved it. I got another one for Christmas and on my first run wearing it, it fell off. I’m not sure how because I was wearing an additional headband over it. I’m guessing it slipped off the back.

Despite this set back (and the fact that their product is not always true to it’s name), I’d spent the last couple of weeks using other headbands I had and they were all a disappointment. They slide. They were annoying.

So, I stopped in Jack Rabbit after my yoga class and picked up this one. It should go with most of my running clothes. 

I know people say that when you simply run, you ARE a runner. Well, allow me to disagree but I run a few times a week and I don’t consider myself a runner.

At all.

I don’t dislike runners – some of my friends are runners. But to me runners are people who train for stupidly long distances for races that are WAY too long. I’ve run a couple of races (above is a picture of some friends and i at The Color Run last August) and I might run another in early February, but they’re not races I train for. I can’t see myself ever running over 10k. Quite honestly: I’d get bored. I get bored after two miles or gives miles at the very most. I don’t actually see the point in running races with ridiculously long distances. I guess it’s an ego thing for people (and I don’t mean ego in a necessarily bad way).

I run to stay fit and burn calories. That’s it.

Who knows, maybe I’ll run a 10k or half-marathon one day. But if I do it’ll probably just be on a dare, I won’t train for it, and I’ll see a puppy around mile 7 and get totally distracted.

For now I’m very happy running to stay fit and considering myself a yogi instead.

Hard? Not Really.

I had a physical yesterday for the first time in two years. I’m usually really good at getting them once a year, but the time escaped me last year – oh well! Anyways, I went and got all the standard tests done, and then I was weighed.

Two years ago, I was 175lbs. Yesterday I was 149lbs. When I started trying to get healthy, the number on the scale was meaningless. It was all about how I felt and looked in my clothes. I still don’t put a lot of weight (oops) in that number, but it was kinda cool to see it put down in ink that there was such a drastic change.

My doctor asked what I’ve been doing and I told him yoga and running. Then he asked what my diet was, and I told him nothing really changed except that I was conscience of what I was eating thanks to MyFitnessPal. He said he’d been shown it once before, but wasn’t exactly sure how to use it. He congratulated me and told me it must’ve been a lot of hard work.

I thanked him for his kind words but then thought to myself that it wasn’t really that hard. It’s not that hard to run (okay, maybe at first it was annoying), and yoga is just awesome. How hard is it to track what you’re eating in an iPhone app? Not very. It literally does the work for you.

Diet: And it’s not from eating only food from health food stores and Whole Foods. I don’t think it has to be expensive to lose weight (running is free!). I’ve taken on a high protein diet – a lot of Greek yogurt and meat. My pasta consumption has gone down, but that’s only because I realized that I felt sluggish after eating it a lot nowadays. But I do eat it a lot when I eat out (and I do eat out – a lot, more than I should probably). And I still love bread. Peanut butter sandwiches are still one of my favorite foods.  And, yes, peanut butter is a food group for me, basically. Also: I don’t go out drinking very often anymore. There are other things I’d rather spend my money on, mostly, but also I don’t like feeling gross the next morning.

Do I go over my calorie allotment sometimes? Of course. And that’s OK. I will not give up chocolate and peanut butter, so instead I’ll work it off, or at least be conscience of it and not beat myself up over it. 

Losing weight is NOT hard. And now let me insert the cliche: If I can do it, you can do it. 

Things To Be Grateful For…

I had meant to write this earlier this week, but time completely got away for me. I have a bunch of stuff to be grateful for this year (as most people I know on Tumblr do).

  1. That I Never Have To Say ‘President Romney’: Seriously? So thankful.
  2. My parents: For being so supportive during this trying year with all it’s ups and downs, and for telling me over and over that because of my severance I was definitely not going to go broke doing the internship that I’m finishing up soon. And also to my mother for Googling my anxiety issue and finding out that it could be related to the TBI that I experienced when I was 11, and helping me find a doctor who can most likely help me with it.
  3. My internship: My internship has been such a great experience this semester. It was the perfect re-submersion into the industry that I love so much. I do spreadsheets and Quickbooks and contracts, and I love it. I’ve met so many great people and I’ve learned so much. I hope I can take what I’ve learned and apply it to a fantastic job. I’m also thankful that I was financially able to do this internship without also having to work 3 extra jobs. (Again, thank you, severance.)
  4. My Friends: They know who they are. They listened to me bitch and complain about a guy that I was seeing this year and helped me celebrate when I finally cut him loose. They put up with a lot of crap from me. They deserve a medal.
  5. My Health: I went to the dentist yesterday and had no cavities. That’s pretty awesome. I need to schedule my physical but I’m assuming that I’m fine. I’m also thankful that I was able to lose somewhere around thirty pounds in the last year through calorie counting (on My Fitness Pal), yoga, and running. 
  6. Yoga: I’m super grateful that I can still afford this membership and that I can go 3-4x/week. Yoga is the best thing ever.
  7. Being Laid Off: In April, I was laid off. It was sudden and a shock. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was given a generous severance package and it turned out to be the best thing. I was so comfortable there that I probably never would have left if I wasn’t pushed. Did I ever mention that my job bored me to death? 
  8. The Handful of Guys I Dated This Year: Thank you for teaching me about myself and what I want. Without your sometimes questionable behavior, I wouldn’t have the standards I do right now. 
  9. The Rest of the 2012-2013 Broadway Season: Thank goodness we have you left because the fall has left me uninspired. 
  10. Seeing Green Day at Irving Plaza in September: There are no words (okay, maybe there were a few). That night was magical. 

I think that’s good for now.  What were you guys thankful for?

A productive weekend to myself.

I love my ‘to do’ lists. I had no plans this weekend, and instead of what usually happens – go out to eat a LOT with friends and spend unnecessary amounts of money – I decided to relax and make a list of things ‘to do’ and actually get them done. 

I went to my usual yoga class on Friday night. I love the teacher – Paula Lynch – because her classes are so anatomy focused. We spent a good 20 minutes rolling around on rubber balls, for example.  I grabbed a banana-chocolate-peanut butter smoothie from GNC on my chilly walk to the subway – maybe not the best choice for dinner as it was cold and so was the weather.

I slept for ten hours that night and went for a run the first thing the next day.

I had planned on doing 5.5 miles like the last couple of weekends, but my body was so tired and it wasn’t agreeing with the cold wind, so I only got in 2.5. But that’s better than nothing, right? I went to Whole Foods after that and I spent the next 3+ hours in Starbucks writing letters of inquiry and applying for a few jobs. It was exhausting, but I felt really accomplished after all was said and done. I went home to make butternut squash soup after. It’s really quick and easy – and one of my favorite winter dishes to make. Perhaps I’ll post the recipe at some point.

I spent the rest of the evening watching shitty edited-for-TV movies and chatting with friends. I don’t often stay up late – ever – anymore because I loathe getting up late the next day, but I was up til 1am and assumed that Sunday – today – would be wasted. 

Well, I was wrong. For some reason I awoke at 8am and decided to peal myself from my bed and make a 9am iyengar yoga class at my studio (YogaWorks – West Side) with a teacher whose classes I really enjoy (I haven’t taken one in a while though because she teachers during the day during the week). It was a great way to start a Sunday, to say the least.

I walked up to Trader Joe’s – to stock up on Clif Bars – and Jack Rabbit – to get my stride looked at. Two positive things came from those stops:

I realized Trader Joe’s was carrying their seasonal Candy Cane Green Tea again…

And that I need these sneakers… eventually.

I also listened to Dos! another 2-3 times and a friend invited me to the final performance of The Performers tonight… So, that’s where I’ll be. How was your weekend?

I love yoga. I hate inverting.

I take an advanced level iyengar class once a week and I like it, except for when we do things like handstands and forearm stands. The only inversion I can do confidently and easily is an L-shaped handstand. Otherwise I’m pretty sure I’m going to come crashing down 4 inches to the ground and break my neck.

I’d really LIKE to master seemingly simple inversions like headstand and forearm stand but I don’t know how to get past the fear of… Well, dying. That above is the furthest I can get in my forearm stand.

What’s the likelihood of me breaking my neck from a fall that’s four inches to the ground? I have no idea, really. Anyone? Bueller?

I feel like I have no bicep and tricep strength. But the thing is… I do, really. I’ve gotten up into handstand numerous times with assistance and spotting. If there’s someone there to catch me if I start to crash downwards, I’m fine. (of course, once I get up, there’s the question of getting down – which I always seem to flip a shit over when given the chance too.)

Right now I’m working on kicking up into handstand on my own. I’ve yet to ever get into a forearm stand on my own.  How has anyone ever gotten over their fear of neck-breaking? Let me know!